Gold Stars and Misconceptions

I never know how much lingo people know. And in general I don't know a lot (I joke around with text-speak, and I try to keep up on my drug references, as well as standard pop culture, but that's because I think it's important as a theatre artist to know what's going on around), but I make it a point to be pretty well polished on my lesbian references. I live in fear (not really) of being out-gay-referenced by a straight friend, no one in particular, and everyone in general, so that keeps my ears perked for any new phrases that may come along. And there's this thing in the lesbian community, possibly gay too, though the two gay guys we were with Friday night had never heard it before, called being a Gold Star Lesbian.That means you've never slept with a man.

Most lesbians have. That might seem too general, but in my research, it's pretty standard.

The thing that nobody in the straight community seems to get is that having sex with a man doesn't make you straight. It doesn't make you bi. The most it means is maybe she didn't say no. Hardly a declaration of passion.

I go back and forth. Not on the gay thing, being gay suits me a hell of a lot better than dating boys. Dating boys was always kind of a train wreck. But on the "do I wish that I'd never slept with a guy?" bit. And honestly, it's tricky. When you're raised in a society and culture, mine in particular being so conservative and religious, that doesn't allow for the possibility of anything other than monogamous heterosexuality, there's a good bit of confusion that comes with that. For me, I always knew that girls were pretty great, but it didn't really seem fair to myself or guys to completely remove guys from the pool of possibility without at least a test drive. It might be really nice to have only been with girls. To never have had to manage getting through the hetero process. I certainly didn't have a grand time, but it's also just as certainly given me more confidence in the path that I'm on now.

And for some people, it's because they feel like I did. For others, it might be out of loneliness. I've known girls who didn't know any gay women until they were in their twenties.

Like I said, I go back and forth, but I really don't think it's right, giving a girl a Gold Star just because she's never been with a man. Seems like the rest of us should get a star because we DID have to go through it.

They took away my rainbow.

There's always been a little bit of gay in the USA. Like, more than what you'd think when you think of gay things. It's been fun to, every time I flew, see the rainbow of how things are going in the county. That guy up there.

But now, they're taking away my rainbow. I'd really taken the rainbow to heart. A friend and I have even started rating my back pain based on it.

Now all we have will be:

ELEVATED
IMMINENT

What will I DO?

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead.

I was getting coffee at 7-11 this morning. There was a guy there, I'm not sure if he was working or if he was a customer, doesn't really matter to the story, but he was REJOICING over the death of everybody's hated terrorist, Osama bin Laden. "It's a fuckin' great day for America. It's a fuckin' great day for England. It's a fuckin' great day for the Middle East. It's a fuckin' beautiful day. Fuckin' amazing."

Rubbed me the wrong way. I don't say he didn't deserve it. Course the fucker did. I'm just saying that evil doesn't have a face. The world is one person smaller, but not less evil. We needed a face, ten years ago. We needed a face to say, "You. This was YOUR fault." And yeah. It was. But that wasn't, isn't the whole story. Not by a long shot. And something as simple and final as a bullet isn't going to suddenly fix everything.

My auto-response was, "Handy that they managed this just before elections."

Family

I just saw a commercial on Hulu for Disneyland. "You'll always remember the moment they stopped being siblings, and started being friends." And regardless of the fact that it's a commercial, and it's on an internet site for streaming mediocre television, it's an interesting quote. And one with which I completely disagree.

I am fairly well known in my circle for having an odd, but very calm and pleasant relationship with my immediate family. I don't get very upset with them. I manage to never fight with them. When they say or do things that I disagree with or dislike, I say nothing to them, let it brew, maybe complain to D about it, and get over it. You have to get over it, because really, what are my other options? And believe me, I know that, really, there are other options. But those options either involve talking about it, or distancing myself from them. And I like 'em, all in all. I don't want to fix issues through avoidance.

And as far as talking goes, talking to my family is worthless. It's like talking to a person who speaks only Japanese. Sure, they can see that you are talking. They can gather a general impression of your mood. But they can. not. cannot. understand what you are saying. It's not the same language. The language doesn't even have common roots. And it doesn't matter how long you try, or how loud you speak, or how desperately you may want to say something. You will not be heard. Because you don't speak in a way they can understand.

Period. Full stop.

That's something. I mean, it's a definite thing. And it's something that I think a lot of people do not understand. Or try to not understand. Pretend it's not true.

Because we can pick our friends. Based of anything from common interest, to common locale, to latent attraction. But we do not get that luxury with our families. We get to chose if and who we want as a partner in life, but we're stuck with what generations before us chose.

I don't talk with my extended family at all. I might get a birthday email from my Aunt Sue once a year. She's one out of 24 aunts and uncles.Why the disconnect? Distance. When you have a chasm of an entire continent, you really find out if there is anything more. There probably isn't.