I'm trying to be more vocal about my anxiety issues, because I don't think enough people are, and I think so many people have their own personal struggles and think they are alone, when in fact there are millions of people that are suffering too.
Right now, things are great. Work is going incredibly well, D and I are happy, and I'm generally doing well in my mood department. But that's not going to be the case forever.
Anxiety has been pretty high, and sleep has been pretty bad as well. I've discontinued my duloxetine, and feel better, but oxazepam has been working well. My NP also agreed to give me propranolol, which aside from a bit of dizzy sick to my stomachness, has been amazing so far.
When I was in college, I went to the doctor for some reason or other, and toward the end of the appointment, he asked me, in a fairly non sequitur manner, if I would like some beta blockers.
I thought it was incredibly irresponsible of him at the time, but in retrospect, I think he was probably brilliant.
11.06.2015
Catch up
Two blog posts today for my faithful readership of myself. I may cross-post this to facebook. If I did and you're a human reading this; tread carefully through the blog. I get weird, I get offensive, I'm mostly stream of thought. I don't recommend. But I also don't apologize.
This isn't new; it's been a note in my phone for a while, and a speech typed it late at night as I was driving to a conference a couple weeks ago.
Context: In mental preparation for visiting my mother, I always do a silly mental gymnastic exersise weighing whether or not I should come out to her, for real, this time. As part of this, I usually do a quick swing by her facebook page. This time, one of her recent posts was an open letter an "Ex-lesbian" had written about how it's important that pastors tell gay people how shitty and bad and sinful they are, because otherwise they won't repent.
SIGH.
Ultimately, I posted on facebook because it made me a little sad, but I think it came across as more pitiful than it was meant. It's largely educational. The way I grew up. I don't think most people realize that ultra-conservative christianity is not as fringe as it used to be, and that, yeah, there really are people out there that think these things.
Side note, I used to struggle with how to describe my mother, but now thanks to american politics, I can do it in 2 words: Mike Huckabee. She wouldn't be insulted. Her yard already has an "I like Mike" sign. Quite a slogan. Such clever.
Rambly, I know.
Anyway. I decided to type up my thoughts to Open Letter "ex"Lesbian girl, and this is what I came up with.
"I used to love the sad songs. They all resonated with me, because, you see, I thought for a long time that I was really bad at dating, and that I'd be alone forever. I met a girl. It wasn't long, but it opened up all the possibilities in life after that. I stopped trying to go out with boys, and pretty soon, I met her. And all the happy songs, all the love songs, were written just for us.
I started writing this thinking I was going to rail and rant and be SO ANGRY with you, because that's how I felt. I thought I was going to tell you that you are the problem, and why the bigots feel valid. I'm not even two paragraphs in, and that's not at all what this is going to be. All I can think about is how horrible it must be to feel so horrible to yourself. To feel so dirty inside that the only way you feel worthy of being is to deny everything you are. I don't know what happened in your life, but my heart breaks a little bit for you.
I'm so sorry that you need the judgement of the church to come down with it's full weight in order to feel accepted. There is love out here. I don't know what else to say.
It's ironic. I felt the need to speak type this as I was driving to a conference, and while I talked, I was driving through the same towns I used to drive through when she and I were dating long distance. I feel again all of the anticipation and joy, while I think of your sadness and oppression.
You don't EVER need the church to tell you god hates anything about you. There is no god, but if there where, and even if there isn't, if you want to believe in a warm, loving being, do it. But why subject yourself to the whims of a god who despises what they made? Any god worth having knows that YOU are worth having. All of you, not just the bits everyone accepts.
Everything in my life started to make sense once I realized who I am. I can't imagine feeling more free and more loved, and that's all I want for you.
Love exists in the world, and in yourself. And even in the church, but not the church you're in. The church you're in cares about itself. Not about you. Not about god. About it's image.
You can find love in the world and in yourself, and we're here to embrace you, and those who love you no matter what are the ones that matter.
Peace to you."
This isn't new; it's been a note in my phone for a while, and a speech typed it late at night as I was driving to a conference a couple weeks ago.
Context: In mental preparation for visiting my mother, I always do a silly mental gymnastic exersise weighing whether or not I should come out to her, for real, this time. As part of this, I usually do a quick swing by her facebook page. This time, one of her recent posts was an open letter an "Ex-lesbian" had written about how it's important that pastors tell gay people how shitty and bad and sinful they are, because otherwise they won't repent.
SIGH.
Ultimately, I posted on facebook because it made me a little sad, but I think it came across as more pitiful than it was meant. It's largely educational. The way I grew up. I don't think most people realize that ultra-conservative christianity is not as fringe as it used to be, and that, yeah, there really are people out there that think these things.
Side note, I used to struggle with how to describe my mother, but now thanks to american politics, I can do it in 2 words: Mike Huckabee. She wouldn't be insulted. Her yard already has an "I like Mike" sign. Quite a slogan. Such clever.
Rambly, I know.
Anyway. I decided to type up my thoughts to Open Letter "ex"Lesbian girl, and this is what I came up with.
"I used to love the sad songs. They all resonated with me, because, you see, I thought for a long time that I was really bad at dating, and that I'd be alone forever. I met a girl. It wasn't long, but it opened up all the possibilities in life after that. I stopped trying to go out with boys, and pretty soon, I met her. And all the happy songs, all the love songs, were written just for us.
I started writing this thinking I was going to rail and rant and be SO ANGRY with you, because that's how I felt. I thought I was going to tell you that you are the problem, and why the bigots feel valid. I'm not even two paragraphs in, and that's not at all what this is going to be. All I can think about is how horrible it must be to feel so horrible to yourself. To feel so dirty inside that the only way you feel worthy of being is to deny everything you are. I don't know what happened in your life, but my heart breaks a little bit for you.
I'm so sorry that you need the judgement of the church to come down with it's full weight in order to feel accepted. There is love out here. I don't know what else to say.
It's ironic. I felt the need to speak type this as I was driving to a conference, and while I talked, I was driving through the same towns I used to drive through when she and I were dating long distance. I feel again all of the anticipation and joy, while I think of your sadness and oppression.
You don't EVER need the church to tell you god hates anything about you. There is no god, but if there where, and even if there isn't, if you want to believe in a warm, loving being, do it. But why subject yourself to the whims of a god who despises what they made? Any god worth having knows that YOU are worth having. All of you, not just the bits everyone accepts.
Everything in my life started to make sense once I realized who I am. I can't imagine feeling more free and more loved, and that's all I want for you.
Love exists in the world, and in yourself. And even in the church, but not the church you're in. The church you're in cares about itself. Not about you. Not about god. About it's image.
You can find love in the world and in yourself, and we're here to embrace you, and those who love you no matter what are the ones that matter.
Peace to you."
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