I'm taking on a new role at work. It's a combo of hush-hush and nebulous right now, but I'm essentially going to be handing my beautiful, smooth running team to someone else, and taking over the most disjointed one to try to optimize and really just manage the thing. I'm excited and nervous.

I'm in an advanced management program with our corporate investment group. It's good for me, because I meet a lot of fancy people that show me what I don't want to be, I meet some cool people, and I'm filling in some of my gaps, since I don't have the business or numbers background a lot of people get in business school.

As part of the program, we're taking some classes through Cornell's online catalog. They run two weeks a course, and are just as much work as my month long Master's classes were. I finished the first one in a week though, so it's fine.

I only went to college because I was driven and felt that it was important. My brother didn't go, and my sister is failing out currently.

I'm...mostly okay with my life. I love my fiance, I'm so excited to marry her, I'm ready to buy a house, and I'm excelling at work. But I sometimes wonder what I could have accomplished if I had parents who pushed me. Maybe if I'd gone to a top tier school and studied something else, I would have found something that challenged me.

It's not my fault nor my credit that I'm smart, it's an accident of DNA and environment, and nothing for me to be proud or ashamed of. But sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm wasting it.

I'M OUT TO EVERYONE NOW

Hi Mom,

You probably heard that 50 people were killed at an LGBT nightclub last night. Breaks my heart that people do this out of hate, and out of not understanding, and out of not accepting that people can be different and still be worth something. 

And it breaks my heart because by my silence, I'm afraid I've contributed to you not understanding, and not accepting. I'm sorry for that. I'm gay. I'm not ashamed of it, and I don't need fixing because of it, and I'm happy and proud to be gay. I'm just...me.

I've never talked about it with you, but I think you and I both deserve it. I'm not going to lie by omission anymore.

I love you.

I don't know how it'll end. I got a text saying she wants to think and pray before responding, and that she loves me.

The ball is in her court, finally, and I'm free.

Why I skipped the Bernie rally

Or, the system is really broken, you guys

Bernie Sanders came to Portland the morning. It was announced earlier this week. I didn't go. I worked, so that's a worthy excuse, but I wouldn't have gone anyway. Here's why.

My vote doesn't matter.

Not in the way you think. I actually DO think every vote counts, but I don't get a vote in this case.

Oregon, like 32 other states, has a closed or mixed primary system, and here that means that you have to be registered with the party to vote. I've never felt kin to either major party; and as a matter of principle have never declared a party affiliation.

I got a letter in the mail this week. The gist was:

You have three ways to vote!

1 - Register for a party!

2 - Vote Independent Party!3 - Don't vote!Be still my beating heart. This is what gets the major parties further and further away from moderation. In the Primaries, everyone has to cater to the extremes of their base, because they don't open up to the people not already in it. Then they have to spend the rest of the election cycle finally trying to work for my vote, and others in the same boat, most of whom are nonplussed at this point. Tiny fractions of the population being the ones eligible to vote for the top two candidates in major elections is a massive problem, and one that I don't think gets talked about nearly enough.
Stupid.
Also, you do need to vote for the other races, too. No one gets to the top seats on the first try, seasoned politicians start local, then raise their profile gradually. Be sure you choose yours wisely.

North Carolina - I...can't even. Furious sad.

https://ballotpedia.org/Closed_primary
http://investmentwatchblog.com/list-of-closed-primary-states-only-voters-registered-for-the-party-which-is-holding-the-primary-may-vote/

On top of the world you get nothing done

I had an epiphany two nights ago. I was passive aggressively joking with a friend that I've not seen in a long time, and said, "You don't call, you don't write."

Neither do you.

It's true.

I have acute agoraphobia, GAD, I'm claustrophobic, and my personal favorite, Panic Disorder. Leaving the house is a struggle. I'm nervous all the time. Two nights ago that conversation was at a party, and I stomped around for an hour beforehand telling Diane I was too tired, too stressed, too etc, to go. I went. It was fun. I interacted. I'm exhausted.

On the one hand, people don't talk about mental illness much. And there are people worse off than me. People that can't force themselves to go outside when they really want to just be in bed.

On the other, every single time I open up about my problems, the person I'm talking to relates. Everyone has issues. No one is uniquely whole. And I'm really, not...proud...but something similar, of the life I've made, all told.

The fact that I can even hold down a job impresses me. The fact that this job is working with people, managing people, getting on the executive team, being highly social, makes me, not...happy...but something similar.

But I can't do quite the same with friendships. And that's my lot, and it's okay.

But it's actually getting better. My new meds are just about life changing. Low dosage extended release beta blockers help my body calm down.

Next time...relationships, and how I'm happy to not have "Relationship Goals."

Anxiety update

I'm trying to be more vocal about my anxiety issues, because I don't think enough people are, and I think so many people have their own personal struggles and think they are alone, when in fact there are millions of people that are suffering too.

Right now, things are great. Work is going incredibly well, D and I are happy, and I'm generally doing well in my mood department. But that's not going to be the case forever.

Anxiety has been pretty high, and sleep has been pretty bad as well. I've discontinued my duloxetine, and feel better, but oxazepam has been working well. My NP also agreed to give me propranolol, which aside from a bit of dizzy sick to my stomachness, has been amazing so far.

When I was in college, I went to the doctor for some reason or other, and toward the end of the appointment, he asked me, in a fairly non sequitur manner, if I would like some beta blockers.

I thought it was incredibly irresponsible of him at the time, but in retrospect, I think he was probably brilliant.

Catch up

Two blog posts today for my faithful readership of myself. I may cross-post this to facebook. If I did and you're a human reading this; tread carefully through the blog. I get weird, I get offensive, I'm mostly stream of thought. I don't recommend. But I also don't apologize.

This isn't new; it's been a note in my phone for a while, and a speech typed it late at night as I was driving to a conference a couple weeks ago.

Context: In mental preparation for visiting my mother, I always do a silly mental gymnastic exersise weighing whether or not I should come out to her, for real, this time. As part of this, I usually do a quick swing by her facebook page. This time, one of her recent posts was an open letter an "Ex-lesbian" had written about how it's important that pastors tell gay people how shitty and bad and sinful they are, because otherwise they won't repent.

SIGH.

Ultimately, I posted on facebook because it made me a little sad, but I think it came across as more pitiful than it was meant. It's largely educational. The way I grew up. I don't think most people realize that ultra-conservative christianity is not as fringe as it used to be, and that, yeah, there really are people out there that think these things.

Side note, I used to struggle with how to describe my mother, but now thanks to american politics, I can do it in 2 words: Mike Huckabee. She wouldn't be insulted. Her yard already has an "I like Mike" sign. Quite a slogan. Such clever.

Rambly, I know.

Anyway. I decided to type up my thoughts to Open Letter "ex"Lesbian girl, and this is what I came up with.

"I used to love the sad songs. They all resonated with me, because, you see, I thought for a long time that I was really bad at dating, and that I'd be alone forever. I met a girl. It wasn't long, but it opened up all the possibilities in life after that. I stopped trying to go out with boys, and pretty soon, I met her. And all the happy songs, all the love songs, were written just for us.

I started writing this thinking I was going to rail and rant and be SO ANGRY with you, because that's how I felt. I thought I was going to tell you that you are the problem, and why the bigots feel valid. I'm not even two paragraphs in, and that's not at all what this is going to be. All I can think about is how horrible it must be to feel so horrible to yourself. To feel so dirty inside that the only way you feel worthy of being is to deny everything you are. I don't know what happened in your life, but my heart breaks a little bit for you.

I'm so sorry that you need the judgement of the church to come down with it's full weight in order to feel accepted. There is love out here. I don't know what else to say.

It's ironic. I felt the need to speak type this as I was driving to a conference, and while I talked, I was driving through the same towns I used to drive through when she and I were dating long distance. I feel again all of the anticipation and joy, while I think of your sadness and oppression.

You don't EVER need the church to tell you god hates anything about you. There is no god, but if there where, and even if there isn't, if you want to believe in a warm, loving being, do it. But why subject yourself to the whims of a god who despises what they made? Any god worth having knows that YOU are worth having. All of you, not just the bits everyone accepts.

Everything in my life started to make sense once I realized who I am. I can't imagine feeling more free and more loved, and that's all I want for you.

Love exists in the world, and in yourself. And even in the church, but not the church you're in. The church you're in cares about itself. Not about you. Not about god. About it's image.

You can find love in the world and in yourself, and we're here to embrace you, and those who love you no matter what are the ones that matter.

Peace to you."

On being, and the search for truth

I've been thinking. Which I do often, but try not to brag about, as not enough people do. A couple days ago, I posted a picture of a dinosaur eating a christian fish. It's my current favorite thing, it's so funny. Also dinosaur. and thought after the fact about whether or not I would be offending my christian friends.

Christian friends. I don't have many left, which on the one hand is odd, having been raised fundamentalist, and doing undergrad at a christian school. Then again, perhaps not so odd, as I have a zero tolerance policy for friends being anti-gay. It's specific to friends. I can work with people that are, interact with them and be civil, but I won't subject myself to that for "fun."

Anyway, this morning, I was struck by a thought. Do my christian friends worry about offending their atheist friend when they post about how great god is, and how god is the reason they accomplished x, y, or z? I haven't asked, but I have to think that they don't,

And you may be thinking "Well, yeah. But it's different." Cause that's what I thought at first. But how? How is it different?

Really, we're all doing the same thing. We're all on this epic search for truth, and no one has the answers. It's just that we've arrived to completely different conclusions as to what truth probably is.

So I'm unapologetic in my atheism, just as others can be proud of their faith, I'm proud to have gotten rid of mine. 

Life gets in the way. I want to type more, but if I save this to add to later, I never will.