I'm taking on a new role at work. It's a combo of hush-hush and nebulous right now, but I'm essentially going to be handing my beautiful, smooth running team to someone else, and taking over the most disjointed one to try to optimize and really just manage the thing. I'm excited and nervous.

I'm in an advanced management program with our corporate investment group. It's good for me, because I meet a lot of fancy people that show me what I don't want to be, I meet some cool people, and I'm filling in some of my gaps, since I don't have the business or numbers background a lot of people get in business school.

As part of the program, we're taking some classes through Cornell's online catalog. They run two weeks a course, and are just as much work as my month long Master's classes were. I finished the first one in a week though, so it's fine.

I only went to college because I was driven and felt that it was important. My brother didn't go, and my sister is failing out currently.

I'm...mostly okay with my life. I love my fiance, I'm so excited to marry her, I'm ready to buy a house, and I'm excelling at work. But I sometimes wonder what I could have accomplished if I had parents who pushed me. Maybe if I'd gone to a top tier school and studied something else, I would have found something that challenged me.

It's not my fault nor my credit that I'm smart, it's an accident of DNA and environment, and nothing for me to be proud or ashamed of. But sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm wasting it.

I'M OUT TO EVERYONE NOW

Hi Mom,

You probably heard that 50 people were killed at an LGBT nightclub last night. Breaks my heart that people do this out of hate, and out of not understanding, and out of not accepting that people can be different and still be worth something. 

And it breaks my heart because by my silence, I'm afraid I've contributed to you not understanding, and not accepting. I'm sorry for that. I'm gay. I'm not ashamed of it, and I don't need fixing because of it, and I'm happy and proud to be gay. I'm just...me.

I've never talked about it with you, but I think you and I both deserve it. I'm not going to lie by omission anymore.

I love you.

I don't know how it'll end. I got a text saying she wants to think and pray before responding, and that she loves me.

The ball is in her court, finally, and I'm free.

Why I skipped the Bernie rally

Or, the system is really broken, you guys

Bernie Sanders came to Portland the morning. It was announced earlier this week. I didn't go. I worked, so that's a worthy excuse, but I wouldn't have gone anyway. Here's why.

My vote doesn't matter.

Not in the way you think. I actually DO think every vote counts, but I don't get a vote in this case.

Oregon, like 32 other states, has a closed or mixed primary system, and here that means that you have to be registered with the party to vote. I've never felt kin to either major party; and as a matter of principle have never declared a party affiliation.

I got a letter in the mail this week. The gist was:

You have three ways to vote!

1 - Register for a party!

2 - Vote Independent Party!3 - Don't vote!Be still my beating heart. This is what gets the major parties further and further away from moderation. In the Primaries, everyone has to cater to the extremes of their base, because they don't open up to the people not already in it. Then they have to spend the rest of the election cycle finally trying to work for my vote, and others in the same boat, most of whom are nonplussed at this point. Tiny fractions of the population being the ones eligible to vote for the top two candidates in major elections is a massive problem, and one that I don't think gets talked about nearly enough.
Stupid.
Also, you do need to vote for the other races, too. No one gets to the top seats on the first try, seasoned politicians start local, then raise their profile gradually. Be sure you choose yours wisely.

North Carolina - I...can't even. Furious sad.

https://ballotpedia.org/Closed_primary
http://investmentwatchblog.com/list-of-closed-primary-states-only-voters-registered-for-the-party-which-is-holding-the-primary-may-vote/

On top of the world you get nothing done

I had an epiphany two nights ago. I was passive aggressively joking with a friend that I've not seen in a long time, and said, "You don't call, you don't write."

Neither do you.

It's true.

I have acute agoraphobia, GAD, I'm claustrophobic, and my personal favorite, Panic Disorder. Leaving the house is a struggle. I'm nervous all the time. Two nights ago that conversation was at a party, and I stomped around for an hour beforehand telling Diane I was too tired, too stressed, too etc, to go. I went. It was fun. I interacted. I'm exhausted.

On the one hand, people don't talk about mental illness much. And there are people worse off than me. People that can't force themselves to go outside when they really want to just be in bed.

On the other, every single time I open up about my problems, the person I'm talking to relates. Everyone has issues. No one is uniquely whole. And I'm really, not...proud...but something similar, of the life I've made, all told.

The fact that I can even hold down a job impresses me. The fact that this job is working with people, managing people, getting on the executive team, being highly social, makes me, not...happy...but something similar.

But I can't do quite the same with friendships. And that's my lot, and it's okay.

But it's actually getting better. My new meds are just about life changing. Low dosage extended release beta blockers help my body calm down.

Next time...relationships, and how I'm happy to not have "Relationship Goals."