3 Blogs

I have three blogs. You probably already got that. One was just for the month that I spent in NYC a couple of years ago. The other one is just a bunch of drafts. This one is from May of last year:

The Girl.

She catches me as I dance around the room. She pulls me into bed so that I can get lost in her, instead of just lost.

We'd been dating four months. It's been nearly 16 now. And it's still true, in that I've always just kind of...wandered. It's good to have an anchor. Back then, I was still just so in awe of how much another person could mean to me, that those 26 words were literally all I could come up with to express myself. I've always written in my little journals, notes, blogs and posts, from a place of angst and, not loneliness persay. I've always had the abnormal trait (a gift I'll describe at a later date) of not needing others much at all. But because of that I've definitely always been just outside of all social spheres, just sort of peering my way in to see what all the real people were up to. Calling myself a Misfit Toy. Remember? From Rudolph. My general state of being has typically been "Eh." I've always enjoyed being my Not Goth and Not Emo but Kind of just want To Be a Plant personality. Or at least felt mild and indifferent about it.

It's taken me the past 16 months to get used to "Happy and in a relationship." I mean. It's weird. I'm not "that girl." I'm not the girl who gets asked out on millions of dates, or ever did. I'm not the girl who always looks put together. I'm not the girl who wanted all the domestic shit we're taught to want. I'm the girl who lost her virginity real late. I'm the girl who used to have to get drunk to have sex. I'm the girl who had a harder time coming at as atheist than gay. I'm the girl who still hasn't come out to her parents. I'm also the girl who met My Girl. I found somebody who loves me, and the rarity of that gift doesn't escape me. A friend mentioned that she makes my emotional sine wave much more stable. It's true, because whatever else happens, it's very comforting, grounding, to be able to think, "I've got that girl who loves me. She's waiting for me back home."

A lot of people behave as though they've discovered something when they are in love. Like since they found it, they know something you don't know. I call bullshit on that. If you're in love. Be goddamn happy about it, because true people and real love are not easy to find. In my experience, love is luck. You happen into a great relationship. There are as many awesome people who haven't found love as there are terrible people who have.

I feel fortunate that I've not had to wait until I was older to find D, but what matters is I found her. I want her love forever, but even if that doesn't happen, it's still an honor to have had it.

We run into hiccups every so often. Not for lack of love, not for lack of compatibility, just for...growing pains I guess. We know enough about each other that we're past all of the superficial shit people talk about for the first couple of months, but in the grand scheme of life, we've got a long way to go, and I think we have a tendency to assume that everyone thinks the same way as ourselves. It's jarring to realize, "Oh, this is different. I must adapt." And we do.

I've always been more of a 'cut and run' sort of girl before D came along, so this jazz is extra hard for me. She doesn't like me to talk about that, because it seems like a threat. I don't mean it that way, it just means that my learning curve is extra steep. I can do it, I'm just gonna break a sweat and complain about it and we'll all be a little grumpy till it's over.

We never fight. And of course, never is untrue. But we've maybe gotten into two? three? arguments where one or both of us actually raise a voice or got angry. Our tiffs are usually quite productive. Strangely so, actually. We tend to get into a discussion about a situation, and one of us will get worked up. Usually me. And we talk through it. And it works out.

We want what we want. I think the dominant issue for both of us is...what is that?

Still, I love the shit outta that girl.